Hearing of Kate Spade’s suicide on Tuesday was not good, of course. Suicide is always awful, fraught with so many emotions and questions and people can quickly go down an awful spiral if you dwell on the “why” for too long. And then I heard about Anthony Bourdain on Friday, and I’m just done. No, I did not personally know this human being, but damn, I enjoyed him immensely. I am most definitely mourning his loss from this world, in part because I think he made it a better place. And the fact that he committed suicide makes it that much harder. Was he mentally ill? Was it a one time event that caused him great pain? Did he plan it out, or was it a last minute decision? See, too many questions arise, and maybe we can answer some, but not all, ever. And that’s why suicide is so fucking hard, there are questions you will NEVER know the answer to.
I’ve had two friends in my life commit suicide. The first friend was a senior and I was a freshman at LVA, and I remember her telling me that she had been shooting holes in her closet with a gun. I did not know that I should probably have told someone at school about this, and we didn’t really share any mutual friends, we were bus buddies, and I didn’t even know her parents, but I should have told an administrator at school. But would she have been mad at me for telling on her? Would she no longer want to be my friend? My 33 year old self understands that none of that matters, but my 14 year old self did not. I spoke with a school counselor for a little while and I went to her funeral. Then that summer I had another friend tell me he was suicidal and I jumped all over his ass about getting help etc. etc. He did not commit suicide, thank God. Maybe because of me saying something? I have no bloody idea, but I tried to help, so at least I learned something about suicide prevention, right?
But then seven years later I had a co-worker friend commit suicide when I was working for the Feds. I was shocked, pissed, confused, and depressed. I ended up going to a suicide support group weekly and it helped tremendously, but when I felt better, I couldn’t go any more because it was so depressing. I was the only one there because of a friend, and I’m not belittling our friendship, but I hadn’t lost a kid or a spouse, like everyone else who was there.
Suicide sucks, and we need to work on keeping communication open with people who may be on the verge. However, I totally understand that some people attempt it multiple times after being thwarted by family and/or friends, and still keep at it. It’s incredibly frustrating not knowing what to say to help people, but thank goodness for suicide prevention groups out there. Support them, participate in walks, donate your time and/or your money.
Bisous,
Chenay
Bueltelful 